Last week we had my father-in-law’s funeral. It was heartening to my wife and I how many people made it out on a Friday evening to pay their respects and express their condolences.
For most of the pre-funeral receiving time I stood at the head of the receiving line next to my wife. The line of people snaked around the church and out the door. Some folks commented to us that it took upwards of 45 minutes for them to make it through the line.
We had people who knew Dad in all sorts of ways there.
“I worked with your father at the plant.” – He worked there 30 years but had been retired 7 or 8 years.
“Your father bought half a side of beef from me every year.” – He hadn’t done that in about 20 years.
“We lived next door to your father on the farm.” – He moved off the farm over 40 years ago.
Where Were They Before?
It made me wonder. Where were all these folks the last 7 years when Dad had been basically anchored to the house taking care of Mom?
I’m guessing of the church full of folks at his funeral fewer than 20 or so visited him more that a couple times a year towards the end.
Now I’m certainly not knocking attending funerals of folks we know. I’m just saying why wait?
Why are we so prone to wait for a tragic event like a funeral to let people know we care?
I know I’m just as guilty of this as the next guy.
Blog Like Life
Take my blogging as just one example. There was a time when I was all over visiting all sorts of blogs.
My MyBlogLog image showed up in widgets far and wide. I was an active commenter.
Lately I’ve let myself get distracted – “busy”.
When I do read other blogs I mostly stick to my feed reader. And I rarely make the effort comment.
Granted I do have a lot on my plate. But don’t we all?
I have a saying
When you are looking for an excuse, any excuse will do.
We try to polish our excuses so that they seem entirely reasonable. In fact we might even call them “reasons”. If we are really good at our excuse making, other folks will probably accept them as valid.
But, in those moments when we are really honest with ourselves, instead of pointing out how busy we are we could say something like, “The moon is orange tonight.”
It might even be true. (With the smoke haze from the fires in the Okefenokee it happens to be true here in Savannah these days.)
But just because it is true doesn’t mean it has anything to do with the subject at hand.
Let’s Be Honest
Instead of pointing to how busy we are as the reason we aren’t active in visiting other blogs and participating in the discussion, let’s admit that we have taken on other priorities.
We see other uses of our time as more important.
That’s why I suspect there is so much interest in using some of these social media web sites to boost web traffic.
Many of us are looking for some quick fix to build traffic so we can skip the effort of visiting other blogs, reading what they have to say, and participating in conversations with them.
We want the benefits without the effort.
Do we want to be like those funeral goers? Good people, every one. But too distracted to show we care until tragedy happens.
Or would we rather build lasting friendships with fellow bloggers and be there through the good times and the bad? And have those friends be there for us too?
The choice is out there. It is ours to make.
Me, I’m taking a look at my priorities over the next few weeks. I don’t want to become known as a funeral friend.
How about you?
How right you are Chris. This is especially true of business relationships. We work with a customer or client for years, build a relationship, and for what ever reason the business’ separate and so do those relationships. It makes you wonder about the validity of the friendship and if business is more important than the people. Without the relationships (people) there is no business or at least not one I would like to be part of.
Thanks for a great blog. When I find what I love to do and make money doing it, a blog like yours will be a strong part of it.
Ouch! No, wait, lemme make that OUCH!!!
Chris, you hit the nail on the head with that one! I can’t imagine anyone not guilty of getting trapped into this mindset at least once in their lives. And that’s exactly what it is, too – a trap!
So easy to just relax, at first… but when it turns into a lifestyle, getting back on track is so much harder.
Many condolences, prayers and thoughts toward you and your family for your loss, my friend. Hang in there, Buddy; we’re with you.
When you’re right; you’re right. I suggest you retitle this “what I learned from a funeral receiving line” and enter into Bob’s group writing project. It’s only a quasi-social-networking scheme!
Mike
P.S. How was the weather in Door County?
Hi Chris
Right you are! I’ve learned that lesson (the hard way) over 16 years ago when my dad died. Due to reasons (you know, the obvious silly reasons, so silly that in the end you can’t even remember what started it) we hadn’t talked to each other for five years.
He died unexpectedly. From that time one I tell everyone as many times I can I like them, I care for them. I don’t even want to hear again: sorry you left it too late.
You’re a thoughtful friend. Take care
Chris,
I’m sorry that you and Gorgeous had to go through the past few weeks, and I want to again express my condolences.
The combination of your post and Karin’s comment is so thought provoking and poignant that I had to comment. I strongly agree with you both.
People matter, as we all know, and they are intelligent. They can see motivations through our actions. When someone is simply using relationship as a means to an end, others can see it. The question to me at its base becomes do we become users or friends. I know which one I want to be.
Oh, by the way, to ensure that there is no confusion, I am not making any implication about any other commenters. I was simply expressing my agreement with Chris and Karin.
Oh boy, how can anyone read that piece without feeling the urge to comment. I definitely try to reach out to people but there are just so many bloggers out there that it’s hard to keep up with them all. I mean is it humanly possible to keep up with that many? How much can we expect from people?
Great post, made me think.
Great point, Chris. And my condolences on the loss of your dad.
It led me to use LinkedIn Questions to ask for “Best Practices” as it were to do this:
http://www.linkedin.com/answers/using-linkedIn/ULI/42674-1270637
Dan
Chris,
As the others have already commented, I too really appreciate this post. Indeed, the death of a loved one brings up questions like these. We are reminded of the transitory nature of life, and it makes us look at our priorities to see if they are where we want them.
It’s a time of self-reflection, which it looks like you are spending quality time doing just that.
….Which segues to another thought that your comments bring up for me. If your father-in-law had 20 friends who visited him up until his death, I’d say that’s amazing! They made that a priority…..which also means they chose not to visit someone else.
I’m not sure that because we may go 5 or 10 or 50 years without visiting someone that it follows that we made the we’re-too-busy-to-visit excuse. Perhaps we have, but often (as you point out) we have a different priority.
Also, I believe that people that come and go in our lives serve different purposes. Those who stay or who remain with us for this moment are serving their purpose in our lives and we in theirs. When that experience is accomplish, is fulfilled, we all naturally move on to something or someone else. It’s neither good or bad; it just is.
At funerals, we remember the dead and how they affected our lives when they were alive. While many assume that we go to funerals or memorials to see or recognize or honor the person who has died (which is probably true to a certain extent), I have come that funerals are for the living, not the dead.
I bet those people who had not seen your father-in-law for years came to the funeral in support of you and the survivors, those of you who grieve. Even we who posted here express sorrow, empathy, and condolences for your loss.
That said, I think your points are well-taken and on-the-money, as far as reevaluating our own priorities in business and in life, so that we don’t wait until it’s too late to develop meaningful and lasting relationships. If we’re thinking only of ourselves and our needs and neglecting others just “because we’re too busy,” that’s one thing that we may need to reexamine. However, It’s perhaps a bit unrealistic to believe any relationship lasts forever, or that it is possible (or desirable) to maintain ongoing relationships with everyone.
We prioritize and decide who we are meant to serve and who is best suited to teach us what we need to learn in any given moment.
And then we move on.
Geeze Luise!
A guy has one little quazi-drama at his day job (my boss got himself fired yesterday morning and I got home at 3AM – Now off to Jacksonville, FL to go to another ship. It’s a whole post in istelf.) and the comments section goes wild!
Great stuff guys! I’ll address each of these this afternoon when I get back home. (Wow!)
Chris,
Thanks for your honesty and transparency, and the reminder to get my priorities right.
After a post like that, I’ve got to comment not just pass through on the feed reader.
How can one not agree with you statement, Chris !!!
Thanks for reminding me, how important it is to tell the ones you love that you love them, no matter how “busy” our life is at any give time.
And thanks for not shying away from the tougher facts of life.
This is a really solid piece of advice. We should all do more to show our loved ones how much we care.
Funerals are always something that I don’t look forward too… I feel out of place most of the time and I really don’t know what to talk and how to talk. I am too scared to smile also.
I need to get over it…
I agree where were they when someone is still alive, that’s a good question. We will all see them in the funeral but how about when they are still alive, any calls? any hangout or party together, seldom…thats the sad part of life.